Freaks & Geeks

Freaks & Geeks

Osaka Gakuin University has a 4-billion Yen Rolex Clock Tower. Its library is smaller than an average college library at Yale. Its main gym has a total of two weight-lifting machines. Every day, the dining hall serves two lunch sets: Fried Chicken with rice and miso soup on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays; Pork with rice and miso soup on Tuesdays and Thursdays. With its Rolex Clock Tower, however, Osaka Gakuin University is swingin’ in style. Like many of its students (both female and male) who’d rather starve themselves for a several weeks than miss the unique handbag sale at Louis Vuitton, Osaka Gakuin is all about appearances.

It’s a rich kid’s college. Or at least so they say. Its students are nonchalantly aware of their status as perhaps not the smartest but surely the coolest kids around the block. You would never see them do any work. Why would they? Their classes are painfully easy. My roommate’s weekly homework assignments don’t cease to amaze me: every Monday, he has to write three sentences about the past weekend. That’s it. One of his sentences said: “On Saturday, we played soccer her on flu but we lost; so not happiness.” His teacher marked it as correct. Osaka Gakuin students never study for their tests as they’re impossible to fail. Osaka Gakuin students have each been taking English for the past twelve years. My roommate belongs among the most capable English learners. The rest has one phrase prepared in case they’re approached by a foreigner: “My name is Haruki. I like Michael Jackson, Bon Jovi and Lady Gaga. Do you like too?” I usually say I do.

I still haven’t figured out what most students do with the loads of free time on their hands. 3S seem to prevail: sleeping, shopping and smoking. They don’t really watch TV; they don’t really do drugs; they don’t really drink much alcohol. They just hang out.

It’s in fact a great fun to watch them do so. As at any rich kid’s institution, there’s a rigid hierarchy. The jocks, the cheerleaders (yes, there are cheerleaders in Japan), the freaks and the geeks. They don’t really appear to differ much from their counterpart at Beverly Hills High. With a few exceptions: Osaka Gakuin jocks wear capris, puma sneakers, golden necklaces and are happy (even eager) to carry their girlfriend’s Prada bag. They love shopping. The cheerleaders have extremely long fake eyelashes, falsetto squeaky voices and LOVE McDonald’s. Japanese Freaks and Geeks and their American counterparts are identical: punk rock, make-up, leather jackets, on one side, manga, anime and complete disinterest in preventing BO, on the other.

Each group occupies its own little table at the dining hall. They only talk to members of their own group. They become immediately quiet if a member of a different clan approaches them (God forbid a foreign student). Each group has its own brands, that they worship: the Cheerleaders and Gucci/Prada/D&G; the Jocks and Puma/Adidas/Armani Exchange; the Freaks and unknown/alternative gothic clothiers; Geeks and Uniqlo’s cheapest line (they’re shopped for by their mums).

Despite their (innate) differences, they all share one sentiment: contempt for foreign students. They deem them fundamentally weird, hairy, smelly, uncouth and most importantly NOT JAPANESE. And the ones who express some interest in hanging out with foreign kids are in fact the ultimate losers. They’re neither jocks, nor cheerleaders, neither freaks nor geeks. They’re gaisen – foreign lovers. The weirdest weirdos among the weirdos.

And so in the beautiful city of Osaka, I’m facing an unprecedented dilemma. Should I try the impossible and become a Japanese jock/cheerleader/freak/geek? Or should I satisfy myself with the gaisen, becoming a weirdo of their own? Hmmm, I wonder.

I’m gonna give it a few more days before I make the final fantasy decision. Until then I’d appreciate your input – D&G or gothic lolitas; LOL or B.O.? How do I stay cool even when deemed weird and hairy? How do I become Japanese? Come on, guys. How do I become cool again? I’m gonna give it a few days. The Rolex Clock Tower final countdown has just started – and I fear and I tremble. If successful in becoming Japanese, I don’t have much to look forward to. On the other hand, however, in case of failure, I will face grave consequences. I will be stuck with the gaisen. And you know what that means. Michael Jackson, Bon Jovi and Lady Gaga. I like not.